The Week Without Walls

View from my tent by the lake.

What an interesting week this has been.

This week, from Monday to Friday, I’ve been chaperoning a Week Without Walls fieldtrip, full of the Grade 8 class on a nature adventure.  This nature adventure began with camping, included some trekking, and ended with a farm and a cave.  There was plenty of bonding that came about as well.

It’s been a very thought provoking fieldtrip.  I’m watching affluent children try to rough it (with a fully stocked bathroom) and deal with tents and nature.  I’m also reading a very sharp book about Thailand that is highlighting several of the things I’m seeing with historical commentary about the guy in charge.

We cooked fish in this forest.

I’ll also say that I’m in the boomerang of life overseas.  When I started with Peace Corps, everything was absolutely glorious for a few months, but when the holidays (read: Thanksgiving) began showing up, I began to get a bit homesick.  Thanksgiving is about that time, when the shine begins to wear off and you start to understand the culture more.  I’m in that down slope, where I see more of the negatives than the positives.  I’m in that place where I can see the problems but can’t affect the solutions at school.  It’s the frustrating thing about living overseas, and it happens to just about everyone.

Our hotel was right next to this river.

It’s not like me to find so much negativity in life, but I’m working in a place that I’ve yet to understand.  I am finding it challenging to work within such affluence and wealth, within the confines of overprotective behavior.  I see it, I understand the premise, but I know what made me what I am today… and overprotectiveness is not it.  I’ve been reflecting more on what my middle and high school experience was like, so that I can find what worked for me to make me a successful human.  It was not overprotective, not ever.  I spent summers with grandma, off to camps here and there.  I spent time on my own, fending for myself after school.  I worked from a young age, in the fudge and coffee shop.  I made mistakes, felt the impact of consequences, and changed my behavior.

This cave was full of Buddhist idols.

I want these kids to have the same.  I want them to be functional humans, not using money to solve every problem.  I saw a beautiful thing yesterday along those lines as well.  We went to a school to let the kids interact with students from a different world than them.  At first, I must say, I was skeptical of the idea.  I think that these kinds of visits can go awry so quickly.  But, I was so pleasantly surprised.  Our kids played with those kids, talked, laughed, interacted.  It was lovely.  A few of them ended up in tears, and one of them mentioned that it was one of the first times that she actually felt as lucky as everyone said she was. 

I want those emotions for all of the students.  I want activities that bring that out for them.

I greatly enjoyed the cave.

But we are fighting such greater forces.  To get to that, we have to battle overprotective school policy and overprotective parentals.  We are fighting a karma based culture, that has entitlement written into merit from previous lives.  It makes me want to hit my head on the wall with frustration sometimes.  But, slowly, progress.

Slowly.  Very slowly.  And, until then, a frustration that is difficult to fight.  Until then, a boomerang that is on the negative side.  Until then, a hope for the different, a plan for change.

The cave was next to a monkey... something.  They liked bananas.

Conflict

Today, I re-realized that I am not skilled in dealing with and managing conflict.  In fact, I would consider it one of my weaker (if not my weakest) skill.

The conflict I'm dealing with today isn't even that serious.  Someone asked me to do something that isn't possible given my situation.  I don't want to go into great deal given my fear of things ending up in the wrong hands.  I was being asked to do something, and it isn't going to happen.  I feel slightly bad at the circumstances, but I was also put into an unpleasant situation.

Either way, I psyched myself up to tell this person I wasn't able to do it.  I got a pep talk from my friend, and walked over to deliver the news in person since I got an email about it in the morning.  It stresses me out in a very serious way to have these kinds of conversations.  Well, to have these conversations with certain people.  The person in question is typically passive aggressive, and I've been visiting with many more loud and boisterous people recently.  I told her, and she didn't say a word back to me.

It takes me back, to the day that I told my former roommates I was leaving their house.  That was a considerably more stressful situation, with a similar reaction.  The girl roommate sat, looked at her computer, and only spoke one time, angrily, nastily.  I was upset for weeks at the things that she said to me, the way she treated me.  I chose to live there because of the friendship that we had, and it bothered me to find out how little I was valued as a person.  Honestly, that's a tiny percentage of the strife I felt in that house.

Today, this person stared at the computer and didn't look at me when I told her that I couldn't comply with her request.  I do feel bad, but I will not feel that bad.  The request is not unreasonable, and normally I would be happy to help, but my denial is also not unreasonable given the situation at hand.  The trouble that I have is in the delivery.  I am upset at this passive aggressive treatment.

The problem is that I, too, am sometimes passive aggressive, or at least I avoid conflict at every turn.  I would have preferred to email this response, but I felt unsure about documenting it.  I would have preferred a different ending with the roommates, but that also didn't happen.  It is hard for me to approach an issue and I want to improve in this.

At this point, my goal is to ask her politely what I've done to warrant this type of treatment.  Politely, of course, approaching it as something that I'd like to resolve professionally.  I have such an opportunity in this school to do things very well and go very far, and I don't want to have anything standing in my path as I work here.  It is a phenomenal school, with great support.  I'm incredibly grateful to Kim at this point, for the advice that he's imparted on me.

We figured out that I've some trauma associated with this active ignoring.  I'd like to heal myself of this with time.  One step at a time, I will.

(Success) and Failure

As happens in life, many things have happened this week.

I'll start back from last weekend.

I painted this.  Now I want to paint
more things.

At the retreat, one of the final things I did was paint a bag.  Yes, paint a bag.  The resort had this little carnival area where kids could paint or arrange flowers or do origami, all sorts of things.  We had a bit of free time, so I went to go purchase a plat or two and then... sat and painted a bag.  Normally, I wouldn't consider this blog worthy.  However, it was more than amusing that everyone thought I was out of my mind.  My colleagues giggled at me for doing such a childish thing, even though they complimented the look afterward.  The Thai women running the show were looking at me with some sort of panic, like, "oh no, we can't tell this girl what's happening..."  I just sat down and started painting.  They also gave some stems of a certain fern as a stamp.  It was very calming and peaceful for me.  Although, one issue I ran into was the tourists.  Three different people at three different times, within the half our window that I was painting, stood directly in front of me and took my picture.  It really puzzled me, considering I was never a part of their trip, but I suppose as a white chick, I was some sort of attraction.

I remember one time in Peace Corps, I lost my temper from a stranger taking my photo.  I was walking to my local coffee shop, fifteen feet in from of my own house, and I couldn't believe that some stranger on the street was trying to photograph me.  He was on a moto, and he swerved across the street to stop dead in front of me, pulling out his phone as he went.  I was furious.  At this moment, I can't remember why I was so angry... probably because he was treating me like a tourist in the place I had spend almost a year and a half in.  I was being so mundane, walking to the coffee shop, and he was treating me like an outsider.  I yelled at him in Khmer and pushed his phone down away from myself.  While painting now, though, I had no such impulses.  I thought it was strange, yes, but I am still a tourist in this land.

I went to Ikea when we got back from the resort, because I was dropped off at school and they are barely a trek to one another.  I can see Ikea in the window from some of the classrooms.  Perhaps it serves as inspiration, but I doubt it.  Ikea on a Sunday was the worst idea I have had recently.  Sunday is the day that you bring the whole family to the mall.  I'm going to attempt to never visit a mall on the weekend ever again.  I bought a lamp, though, and that was what I needed.  It makes my bedroom just *that* more homey.

Pizza courtesy of Pizza Florence.  They bring it to my
home.  This time, it didn't quite fit in the box.

On Wednesday, I went to quiz night, despite being exhausted.  While my team came in last (or almost last) place, I still had a good time with some of the teachers from a school very near to my village.  My team consisted of this funny guy named Teddy, a tall ESL teacher, his Thai wife, the owner of a local bar, Chris, a physics teacher with long hair, and a science teacher.  They taught me that the sun is 8 light minutes away from the sun.  I also learned that many of the Ancient Wonders of the World were destroyed by earthquakes and that Jessie J sings something about money.  It was a good time; the owner of the bar we met in is called Jay, and he has short magenta hair.  Magenta.  He's nice, and Baan Baan bar is a little wooden house, all open air, in the middle of this city sort of landscape.  It's like a breath of fresh air, a little slice of the country in the village.

I had to laugh as well at the emcee of the quiz night. It was a room full of teachers, every teacher from the local area.  Most of them teach at an international school called RIS.  If you know teachers at all, you may know that they are the worst possible students.  The worst.  And, the guy running a quiz with a room full of teachers... was... not a teacher.  He is a guy who is spending the year travelling the world by motorbike.  His story was all well and good, but quiz night was not his forte, and I hope that next quiz night he finds himself on a team and not in the front.

Rizza is very happy to be in this dinosaur costume.
Just kidding, she hates it.

I had some small successes as well:
I set up my internet banking to top up my phone, from which I received an email saying (Success).
Four kids asked me for advice on citations, and I taught some hilarious classes.
I got a second card from the bank "for my boyfriend" that I can send home to suspend the outrageous transfer fees.
Some kids know me by name.
I bought a lego Iron Man.
I bought an outfit for my cat.
I'm making my house a home.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Today I had a violent introduction to rainy season.  Well, perhaps a re-introduction may be more accurate.  I was in Cambodia during the floods two years back, where the entire city shut down for the better part of a month; school was cancelled for 6 weeks because the whole place had fish swimming about in it.  There were some rapids raging right outside my house, near my driveway.  It was hell to get around, dirty water swirling at every moment.  I barely left the house.

The very definition of inefficiency.

Kim and I were driving home today around 5, watching the clouds roll in all black and green.  I told him that if I would have been in Iowa watching those clouds, I would have been worried about a tornado.  About half way home, it started sprinkling.  A little bit farther and it poured, rained cats and dogs, dumped every bit of the water on us.  We were driving home at a fraction of the speed we usually go because it was just that dangerous.

Then we reached Sammakorn, our village.

The traffic at the head of the road was way worse than usual, barely moving, and I began to wonder what was happening.  Then I see a car with water up to the headlights trying to pull some sort of turning maneuver in the middle of the road.  We had to drive quite a way through the village, with water up to our own headlights the majority of the way.  It was slightly terrifying, because we both wondered if his car would survive.  This is some serious water.  It's all through the village, too, as I found when I came home.  Through every street, I had to pedal through water that touched my feet as I rode.

The light's bad, but... you can see the reflection of a house
on the street.

I realized as well when I got inside that some of the water got in through my (always) open windows.  It decided to soak the Ikea bed, a bid of the sofa, and some of the floor.  I don't really have a solution for that, though the fan is on it.

Plus, my fern blew over.

What a storm.  Kim kept saying that it wasn't normal, wasn't normal.  My contexts say that it sure happens, like the traffic he keeps mentioning is so abnormal and yet happens daily at this point.  However, this does seem a bit out of character.  It WAS hard, intense, rainy season rain for at least an hour, maybe more like two.

I suppose I should shut that window sometimes.

It's only water, though.  It will dry up.  I hope it doesn't smell too bad though.

Voluntourism

When I was at the IB conference in Singapore, I was fortunate enough to listen to a talk from Tessa Boudrie, a woman who has been working as a social worker in Asia for years and years.  She currently runs a business that connects philanthropists with philanthropic opportunities, in Asia, and was speaking on choosing a good organization for the school to support.  She's a consultant, which has become a much needed business in this world that I now live in.  She worked in Cambodia, and gave several examples of this in her talk, in Burma, in Singapore, in Hong Kong, all over.  The talk was... phenomenal.  She laid her talk out in bullet points and examples; how should one choose an organization?  Look for this and this and this, else this and this is likely happening.

Voluntourism, which is volunteering for short stints of time in a foreign country, is a relatively new idea, and one that is catching on quickly.  There are organizations that provide short trips for students, for church groups, for adults, for anyone, for any amount of time.  Sometimes people pick up activities that are philanthropic while they visit another country.  I know people who've done that as well.  It's everywhere at this point, especially in countries with less infrastructure, like Cambodia.

There are huge implications for this.  Huge.  And so, here I write, hoping that the mind of at least one soul will be opened up.  I heard the talk, and noted the concerns, and thought a week, and edited more.  I'm very torn on this issue, torn on the things that I've seen and heard and experienced.  I volunteered throughout high school, throughout college; I was a Peace Corps Volunteer.  Now, I'm working through some intense reflection and looking through a different lens.  I'm going to go through my notes on her presentation, and present them to you.  She had examples, and I have examples, and it will be a big mash up of the two.  She put into clear words and phrases the things that I was beginning to grasp onto as I worked and lived in Cambodia.

We need to think about the differences between development and charity.  Development, where we help someone improve something about their life, something that they've identified they could change with a little help... and Charity, giving things to others.  That's the drive behind this.

Is the organization....

...needs based?
I saw this so often.  One day while I was working at school, an electric piano appeared on the doorstep.  It was a gift from the Korean government, part of an initiative to get Cambodian kids to enjoy playing music more.  There were a few problems with this idea.  One, there was no electricity to plug this piano into.  The school had no such thing.  Two, what teacher is going to lead a kid through this discovery?  None of our teachers knew how to play the piano.  I could tap a few keys into a melody from having a computer, but I can't well do that without electricity.  Three, any and all valuable (including school books) were usually kept locked up... when was this theoretical child meant to learn this?  They were answering an idea from their own lips, not the ideas of the school.

...addressing the symptoms instead of the roots?
She gave an example of an organization wanting funding for victims of acid attacks.  It had become this huge issue in Cambodia, because people were using it as a weapon that lasts forever.  Acid won't kill you, just disfigure you and make your life miserable.  They wanted all this money to provide care for these victims, and she was able to direct some money to media and government to provide change for the root issue.  She was able to get the laws changed to more serious sentences and provide PSAs that made the attacks unacceptable for society.  Along with her partners, they were able to address the root of the cause and dramatically reduce the number of people needing this assistance.

...best interests of the beneficiary?
This one hit home for me.  Peace Corps became for me something that served my resume and my personal development far more than it did those around me.  It's not uncommon, I know, but I wonder sometimes why I really went overseas in the first place.  I lived, I learned, and I hope that a voluntourist would consider seriously what they are hoping to accomplish by spending a week volunteering in a world and a culture that they don't know very well.  Especially when it comes to building things or working with children... I, too, did Habitat for Humanity while in Cambodia, and I look back on that and laugh at the misery I was.  It was also April, the hottest month of the year, and we were out building houses with concrete.  How silly of me to think that I knew what I was doing more than the man who has built homes for 30 years.... And yet, there I was.  Consider this as well, please.

...community driven?
I'll redirect this one back to the piano.  And, actually, a positive story.  Peace Corps does teach you to ask for what your partners want and try your darndest to give it to them.  I noticed a need with the bathrooms, that the girls were having a rough go at school because they didn't have clean restrooms to use.  My brother, Phil, helped give the money that built the bathroom, and I would hope that it is still in working order and being used.  The school community wanted a fence around the tree, though.  I didn't build a fence around the tree.  I think back on that and really wonder... I wonder if the bathroom is locked up like the school books and the fence around the tree magically popped up with some money.  The VSOers, with money from the US government, built a pediatric center that looked pretty awesome though.  It was needed, and wanted, and driven by those who wanted it.

...registered?
Is it real?  Maybe that sounds like an odd one to you, but in this wild west that is SE Asia, it isn't that much of a stretch.  It's easy to lie here.  It's easy to find a place for money.

...exit strategy?
I had a bit of a beef with lots of NGOs in Cambodia with this.  This one looks at the long term goal of any organization, which likely should include something about being done.  They fixed the main problem, or dealt with the big issues, or trained up locals to take over completely.  The white folk (or the Japanese folk, or the whoever folk) shouldn't necessarily be living on their NGO salary for the rest of their days.  What is the endgame?  Or is there one?

...serving the greater good or individuals?
She gave an example of a school sending two bright on full scholarships to Oxford, and how that money could feed an entire village for the better part of the year.  This was also the main criticism of JPA, just so you are aware.

...other players in the similar field?
There are a multitude of education NGOs in Cambodia.  None (or few) of them work together.

...financially vulnerable/audit?
Where's the money coming from?  Where's it going?  I'll say, I began to get very suspicious of big NGOs in Cambodia... they often had the biggest, fanciest cars driving around the place with their logos stapled on.

...sustainable?
People love this word.  Love it.  And it means a couple of things.  How is the business running?  How is it funded?  Are they beginning to make their own money and need an injection like a start up?  Or is it entirely donation based?  One of those is more sustainable than the other one, usually, that is.  Is it a business that could last if some things were shaken up?  It is a business, right?

...Reporting?
They should be reporting.  Often.

...Religious?
My family in the village became Christian because there were opportunities they could access in the city.  She didn't usually support those organizations because there were requirements to benefit from the services.  I've seen a very good one, that I support, and some much less good ones, so I'm torn on the issues.

...Political?
Hopefully I don't have to explain that one.

...Emergency?
I thought of the scene in Clueless when she was telling us about this one.  Cher donates her skis for the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief.  Emergency giving is often fraught with chaos, amazingly unorganized.  Usually donations are hard to manage.  Plus, the real needs come about 6-8 months later, when the aid starts to run out and people are getting back to real life.

...Foreign staffed?
Hopefully they are training up local staff to take over.  If not, it may be something to consider.

...an orphanage?
Ms. Boudrie is very passionate about this issue.  She never supports orphanages, ever.  Ever.  EVER.  I agreed before her talk, and now I agree more.  The vast majority of "orphans" in Cambodia are not orphans, just kids from a poor home.  Sometimes they are made to perform on the street.  Sometimes they are begging on the street and giving the money to some sort of kingpin around the alley.  Most of them were convinced to come to the orphanage with promises, and the number of orphanages has grown in a very similar pattern to that of tourism.

There are worse stories.  My teacher friend told me a story of visiting an orphanage in Vietnam.  It was run by some white fellas, and her teacher friend (a man) took her and another gal to this other place to give some school supplies and stuffs to these kids.  The men asked him which kid he wanted to take.  And to make sure he had him back by Friday.  No foreigner, no tourist, no person without the proper clearances and paperwork and everything, should be taking care of children or visiting children in orphanages.  Can you imagine trying to visit an orphanage or a group home in America?  In Europe?  Why is it okay in Asia?  It's not okay.  It is never okay.  If you don't work with these particular children, you shouldn't be visiting them.  Period.  My school doesn't allow anyone on campus that doesn't belong.... the same should be true for any space where children are present.  This nonsense has to stop.  No More Orphanages.

I'm forcing myself to stop now.  Please, please consider what it is you are doing before you try to swing a hammer for "poor people" someplace else.  Instead, start at home, in a culture that you understand, support responsible trade and tourism, and if you have something valuable to share, like a skill, figure out how to teach it to some people.  But, please, don't assume that you are saving the world by spending a week working on things that you don't know how to do.  And please, evaluate and reflect on your choices to volunteer overseas before you barge into another country and someone's home like the colonists of old.  Show dignity by increasing development.

References:
Voluntourism

Rough Seas

Preface:  This is not a blog entry meant to make you feel sorry for me, or to incite some sort of feelings for me and my situation.  I just wanted to explore the feelings that I was having and "be real" as Aaron would say.  I feel the need to be honest about switching my country and changing my work and the types of struggles that it comes with.

Moving is hard.  Moving across continents is hard.  Moving with a dependent is hard (in this, I'm making my cat count).  I've been putting on a face and trying to find my place here in Bangkok, but I'm stressed.

I'm stressed about money.  I've purchased my ticket and moved myself and paid the deposit on a new house.  I'm now in Singapore, on the same pay upfront and get reimbursed system.  And, honestly, I'm just plain broke right now.  These different expenses of getting set up in a house have added up and I won't get paid until the end of the month, for everything.  Even though I know that the first of September, I will be completely free and financially sound, I can't prevent myself from worrying and being stressed about the money that will get me through the next few weeks.  I've very few expenses, but I'm worried about the present and worried about the future.  I've taxes to pay every month for Thailand, taxes to pay for America, and I'm worried about that as well.  Will it be fine?  Yes.  It will.  Does that prevent me from worrying and wondering if I'll be able to save enough to pay off my loans?  Not in the least.

I'm hoping that this blog entry helps me feel more calm about it all.

I'm stressed about transport.  I moved into a house near Kim, which is beautiful and quiet.  He's asked me, rightfully so, to help pay for the commute costs, and they are going to take a small chunk of change.  Transport and money both.  I need to buy a bicycle to get around the village, which I've little money for at the moment, maybe eventually a moto as well.  I worry about making it to school on time given I'm riding to school with a European.  I worry about getting my things to and from the village.  It's a year, and I can live anywhere for a year.  I've lived in a dorm with odd ladies, in a huge theatre house, and with some pretty miserable humans last year.  I can do it.  But, I'm worried.

It's just rough for the moment.

I'm stressed about school.  The first days of school are always stressful, particularly in a new school.  There are new relationships, new children, new vocabulary, a new everything.  It is remarkably fresh and new, and it's very fun, but there's already this stress in other parts of my life, and sometimes I have a hard time focusing on what I'm doing at school.  It really helps that I'm in this conference in Singapore; I feel amazingly more confident about IB and the things that I'm doing in the library, the things I'm meant to do.  There's things that I can find more confidence on and work with.  It's always a bit rough to get beginning.

I miss Aaron.  Really, really, really miss him.  That may be remedied in short order, though.

Without these rough seas, I wouldn't understand how incredible life is, so while they stress me out, I'm incredibly grateful for them.  They remind me to be humble, that sometimes struggle is for the best.  I'll be sorted out in short order.

10 things I messed up this week.

Adaptation takes a few days.

And I've just been thinking on my long taxi ride home that I've made more than a few mistakes these past few days.  I wanted to share these things because, well, they are both entertaining and identify a few parts of Thai culture. 

1.  At the grocery store, I failed to weigh my fruit and get a price for the second time.  While in the produce department, you weigh in and get a price not unlike going to the butcher.  Me forgetting (again) to do this means that I wait in the checkout line for a little extra time while the very nice cashier goes and does it for me.... I also get judged a bit by the other customers and the manager.

2.  I neglected to have the proper money in my wallet while taking a taxi.  For some reason, the taxi dudes don't keep much change with them.  I tried to pay for my 120b ride (4ish bucks) with a 1000b note (about 30 bucks) and change wasn't possible.  Luckily, I've been saving coin, and had enough to pay him in basically quarters.

3.  I left this afternoon to go have coffee with my friend from Cambodia and ended up leaving my laundry out in the rain.  This just means that I wait one extra day for my clothing.... and maybe it smells a bit soggy... but otherwise, I just have to remember that this is rainy season.  And in the spring, in the heat, I have to bring them in before they get baked too long.

4.  I apparently broke the ATM with my simple requests.  It stole my card too, which is annoying and gives me an extra chore.  Annoying, but not a huge issue.

5.  I've been unable to locate during working hours both the post office and a photo printing shop.  Also postcards.  I really want to send some postcards to people, but I'm not in touristy places.

6.  I bought too many hangers at the store because I misunderstood the promotion.  Because I don't read Thai and wasn't paying very close attention to the sale.

7.  I'm still awake at 11 the night before my first day of school because I went to the movies in the city.  On the plus side, I got another giant Paragon cup to keep with my and fill with ice water.

8.  I can barely find my own house in the dark.  The poor taxi guy... he got warnings too late about the turns and had to back up at least twice.

9.  I started a new TV show instead of doing some of the work that I had to do.  On the plus side, Orange is the New Black is a pretty sweet show.  

10.  I really wanted to have all my clothes laid out for the first day of school, but I made an executive decision to do that in the morning.

Now for some positives.

1.  Rizza is sleeping next to my computer like she used to, which means she is starting to feel comfy in the new house.

2.  I had a great time catching up with my friend and going to the cinema with her.  Additionally, I made it to and from town on my own, which was quite easy and involved some walking and a cheap taxi.

3.  I did two loads of laundry before leaving it out in the rain... and did the dishes tonight.  I cooked a meal for myself earlier today, which was one of my goals for the week (as Aaron can attest).  I'm all domestic and shit.

4.  There's a tokay near my house somewhere that I hear in the dark.  It reminds me of the home I made in Cambodia and gives me all kinds of comfort.

5.  There aren't any dogs near my house.  This corner is run by felines... and I may just be able to let Rizza out a little to explore.

Enjoy your week, my friends.