Rough Seas

Preface:  This is not a blog entry meant to make you feel sorry for me, or to incite some sort of feelings for me and my situation.  I just wanted to explore the feelings that I was having and "be real" as Aaron would say.  I feel the need to be honest about switching my country and changing my work and the types of struggles that it comes with.

Moving is hard.  Moving across continents is hard.  Moving with a dependent is hard (in this, I'm making my cat count).  I've been putting on a face and trying to find my place here in Bangkok, but I'm stressed.

I'm stressed about money.  I've purchased my ticket and moved myself and paid the deposit on a new house.  I'm now in Singapore, on the same pay upfront and get reimbursed system.  And, honestly, I'm just plain broke right now.  These different expenses of getting set up in a house have added up and I won't get paid until the end of the month, for everything.  Even though I know that the first of September, I will be completely free and financially sound, I can't prevent myself from worrying and being stressed about the money that will get me through the next few weeks.  I've very few expenses, but I'm worried about the present and worried about the future.  I've taxes to pay every month for Thailand, taxes to pay for America, and I'm worried about that as well.  Will it be fine?  Yes.  It will.  Does that prevent me from worrying and wondering if I'll be able to save enough to pay off my loans?  Not in the least.

I'm hoping that this blog entry helps me feel more calm about it all.

I'm stressed about transport.  I moved into a house near Kim, which is beautiful and quiet.  He's asked me, rightfully so, to help pay for the commute costs, and they are going to take a small chunk of change.  Transport and money both.  I need to buy a bicycle to get around the village, which I've little money for at the moment, maybe eventually a moto as well.  I worry about making it to school on time given I'm riding to school with a European.  I worry about getting my things to and from the village.  It's a year, and I can live anywhere for a year.  I've lived in a dorm with odd ladies, in a huge theatre house, and with some pretty miserable humans last year.  I can do it.  But, I'm worried.

It's just rough for the moment.

I'm stressed about school.  The first days of school are always stressful, particularly in a new school.  There are new relationships, new children, new vocabulary, a new everything.  It is remarkably fresh and new, and it's very fun, but there's already this stress in other parts of my life, and sometimes I have a hard time focusing on what I'm doing at school.  It really helps that I'm in this conference in Singapore; I feel amazingly more confident about IB and the things that I'm doing in the library, the things I'm meant to do.  There's things that I can find more confidence on and work with.  It's always a bit rough to get beginning.

I miss Aaron.  Really, really, really miss him.  That may be remedied in short order, though.

Without these rough seas, I wouldn't understand how incredible life is, so while they stress me out, I'm incredibly grateful for them.  They remind me to be humble, that sometimes struggle is for the best.  I'll be sorted out in short order.